What don't I do?

Recently, Aidan published a post about that stealth bomber of a cocktail party question, "What do you do?" and mused about its inverse, "What don't you do?" and how sometimes it is just as painful or easier to answer.

Lindsey followed up with a post of her own about the subject. At the time, I read both posts, but I was stumped to answer either question myself. "What do you do?" is just way too hard to answer -- the answer is both too infinite and yet too finite. I often find myself saying, "I'm just MOMing it right now," or "I have small children," or, "I decided if I was going to be answering to crazy people, I needed to have given birth to them myself." I have done some tutoring, some editing, some freelance writing, but my honest answer is that OH MY GOD IF I HAD TO HAVE A PAYING JOB ON TOP OF ALL THIS I MIGHT VERY POSSIBLY LOSE WHAT LITTLE MIND I HAVE LEFT.

But saying that I am a mom or "just" childrearing right now just doesn't cover it at all. I mean, you have seen what fills my days. I am going about the business of LIFE in all its forms and meanings. I am raising little people. Wiping heinies. Cleaning. Laundering. Transporting. Meeting deadlines. Volunteering. Parent reading. I am making sure the Cub Scout uniform is clean and accessible and that we don't run out of diapers. I am brushing tiny teeth and paying for the ones that fall out. I'm supporting Husband the best I can. I'm doing so many things, I cannot possibly fit it into a one-line description.

In Europe, you know, it is considered bad form, nosy, to ask someone what he or she "does." It's the equivalent of asking what his or her annual income is. The point is to find out who someone IS, what her values are, what she likes, where she spends her free time and how. Those are supposed to be more important, more valuable, than what she "does." I would like to advocate that attitude here. Think it would fly? Yeah, I know.

So what don't I do? I don't go to bed early enough. I don't get paid. I don't talk to my friends often enough. I don't travel as much as I would like. I don't SCUBA dive. I don't smoke (anything). I don't drink coffee. I don't homeschool. I don't watch sitcoms. I don't go to church. Other than that, I have to tell you, I think I do just about everything else. I can't think of much I don't do. I t was a really tough exercise for me just to come up with that small list. I think I truly define myself in more of the "do" categories of life and not in the "don't." That's probably a good thing, I think?

There is a scene in the book Amanda Bright @ Home (which I LOVED, and I recommend), in which the heroine, a reluctant SAHM named Amanda, is confronted with her new reality: she disappears at cocktail parties right after other guests ask her what she does and she responds that she is a stay at home mother. She's not used to it -- she's used to having a career, a job title that holds respect, an identity. She feels lost without it. At the time I read the book and that scene, Firstborn was just 13 months old, I still lived in Los Angeles, and I was unknowingly pregnant with C. I related. I still lived in the city where I too had a Career with a capital C, where my friends still did. The whole world of Gymboree Play and Music classes and park playdates was still new to me. I was still watching a heck of a lot of West Wing re-runs during the day to fill my time and taking naps with the baby. I didn't want to disappear too.

But now, I can't imagine disappearing. I feel like I disappear less than Husband does, and he has a very definite Career. It helps that I am extremely extroverted. But it also helps that thanks to my role and my children, I am neck-deep in this community. I do a LOT. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I'm equally, if not more, grateful for the moment when my head hits the pillow each night.